Transformation in just five (give or take fifty) easy steps.

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cognition / emotional health / emotional scar tissue / human experience / Humor / relationships / Uncategorized

See me. Feel me. Touch me. Heal me.

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See me. Feel me. Touch me. Heal me.

Listening to you, I get the music. Gazing at you, I get the heat. Following you. I climb the mountain. I get excitement at your feet.

Right behind you, I see the millions. On you, I see the glory. From you, I get opinion. From you, I get the story.

~The Who, 1975

You know when you’re at that point when your life is shit piled high with another layer of shit and then mixed with some shit? You wanna just go home and you realize that the “home” you seek is not really a place built on a concrete foundation; but rather a place in your mind where inner peace might possibly be lurking? It’s this place where solitude is soothing and Rhapsody in Blue is cranked up just loud enough so you can feel it sway with your body as you breathe deeply into yourself. You are one with the universe. You are in sync with the past, present and future. You can see with eyes from your soul – that presence that leaves your body when you exhale your last breath, as one locked inside a body given you only temporarily.  Within the stillness something clicks in your brain and somehow the sky is more blue, the grass more green, gratitude is more genuine, music more meaningful, love more intense and each breath a miracle. THAT is where you long to be. At peace. Spirit, mind, body.

I’ve been there, you know; however fleeting…

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It seems that life got in the way and I got lost or caught up in things and people and drama and ego. I lowered myself to a place where I lost my breath shortly before I got burned. I took my eye off the greatest gift. The prize being moral integrity and sight of a bigger, life-affirming picture. I lost sight of my higher power. I was no longer any good to anyone – least of which, myself. And for that I humbly apologize.

Let me tell you what I’ve learned in the past month or two – as learning nothing makes it all for naught and I couldn’t bear that. I’ll even throw in a handy gift-giving guide:

  • A man’s ego is fragile and wrapped up in itself far too often with no room for eyes to see with any objectivity. Mirrors don’t help the mind that is blind.  (Tip for gift-giving season: nothing reflective. Perhaps a box of Band-Aids with cartoon heroes would suffice as “thoughtful” present if wrapped in something flashy to distract from the mundane.)
  • Greed is a powerful and destructive force. It comes in all shapes and sizes. It has no regard for, and in fact, kills relationships that attempt to interfere or question it. The cycle of madness continues with causalities in and among the wake. (Tip for gift giving season: no weapons, only fluffy stuffed animals that have the capacity, with a push of a button, to say “Hey! Let’s diversify our portfolio today!”)
  • For all that one gains in the game of soul selling, one loses a piece of his substance, character and integrity. (Tip for gift giving season: Operation Game for the Salvation-Conscious – – Can you find my soul and put it back in?)
  • Honesty is painful for all concerned. I almost wouldn’t advise it. (Tip for gift-giving season: Lie your ass off.  Stuff your feelings of right and wrong in a decorative stocking and hang it by the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas soon will be there to soak it all up so you don’t have to share.)
  • Power is not to be taken lightly. It is a responsibility as important as bringing a life into this world. It goes hand in hand with potential for corruption and abuses of character. It changes people. It has the capacity to deaden souls with the illusion of grandiosity. Used with humility, however,  it can be a gift. (Tip for gift-giving season: Stay away from power tools. Instead, appeal to the softer side with a gift certificate to “Build-A-Bear” where one can place a heart into an object, wait for a moment or two, then check to see if there is a pulse and heartbeat, first on himself, and then on his new pet, who he has agreed to cherish til death do they part.)
  • If one cannot “play the game” then one needs to go somewhere she can live among those that also do not play mind games with others seeking to control their world. She is fighting a losing battle if she thinks she can be that kind of change in his world of high stakes and loose priorities, where kissing one’s ass is preferable to standing up for something. (Tip for gift-giving season: Puppeteer lessons for that special someone who needs to control “people” in their world in order to feel even a modicum of control over their own.)
  • People only want to hear what they want to hear – no matter another’s actual message sent. If one sits idly as an injustice is doled out, they are passively in agreement; however, they also win even if they lose a part of themselves in the process by appeasing the one doling out the injustice. As such, it depends on how important standing up for something is to the individual on a personal level. Most are not willing to stand up for what is right if it doesn’t directly pertain to them. And that is their right of course. So my dear right-fighter, be prepared to stand alone. (Tip for gift-giving season: a dog for the right-fighter and a parrot for the others so people can hear what they WANT to hear on command.)
  • Taking a risk is either careless, courageous, doomed to failure or liberating. (Tip for gift-giving season: the permission to try anyway and fail possibly; and a rubber room to throw yourself around in when the frustration gets too great and you feel the need to explode from kissing asses and tip-toeing around those who make rules that only enhance their bank accounts and/or egos.)
  • It does one absolutely no good to take bitterness away from situations. It hurts no one but the individual who carries it. (Tip for gift-giving season: “Let It Go” soundtrack from the movie, Frozen.)
  • Giving one’s opinion when one’s opinion isn’t asked for (and sometimes even when it is) may indeed be a form of self-torture. Check to see if you were abused as a child and need to relive the chaos. (Tip for gift-giving season: a gift certificate to Ancestor’s.com and two months paid individual therapy sessions as surely you are a masochist of some kind.)

My list aside, I now seek the solace of a dreamless sleep and a day of meditative reflection on life, purpose and getting back on track with the important work of caring for others. That is what is important in this life. That is where transformation can be found, not in victimhood, but in purpose, a life with meaning, and kindness toward those who also find themselves lost at times.

 

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The Author

I am a licensed clinical social worker who just happens to adore the written word. I have had a private practice and am now writing a memoir on my life in the company of my father and many of my clients who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I hope to dispel some myths and break down some barriers for those with mental illness. I write out of need and complete joy, which I hope to convey throughout my blogs. The human experience is not exclusive to one group. I hope to appeal to most as I touch on some pretty heady material with some self-deprecating humor and raw emotion thrown in for good measure. I have four amazing children, one HUGE dog and a tolerant husband. I am blessed.

2 Comments

  1. Yes , I came to understand about the fairness of life a long time ago. It’s not fair and it sucks. I think in simpler times of the past there might of been a bit more fairness (maybe just another delusion), where if you were a good person, worked hard and did your best to treat others fairly that good things would come into your life. Not anymore it’s who ya know and not what ya know. And whether are not you are part of the chosen few. Yep life is not fair at all – I tell my sons just learn to get over that one. Love the gift giving tips : I never know what to get my husband.

    Liked by 1 person

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