Mom….? What happens to you when I am no longer your daughter in your mind? When you don’t seem to know me anymore? Does it mean I no longer exist to you? Does it mean you no longer exist as my mother? Do I become, in essence, mother-less? How do I carry on then? How does ANYONE move forward when the cornerstone has been removed from the building they have depended on for shelter for all of their years? […]
Too hard, she whispered, this life. It had borne down with such force as to suffocate the hope, eradicate the joy, extinguish the scope of what she believed she could handle. Where are you God? she whimpered, her vision fueled by sorrow…(more a cry for help than a questioning of His divine marrow. But would she even make herself follow?) Let me help you stand. She heard it softly, yet stronger than a whisper… she questioned His demand, began to answer but words came out […]
SHE goes to sleep right beside you. SHE thrives on remaining close and reminding you of who you are and what you are made of as the last thing you think about before nodding off. In your heavy sleep SHE sometimes belongs to that dream state you wake up from when the alarm you set for work abruptly goes off. Lifting your head off the pillow you shrug and wonder what it was that you were just […]
Thanksgiving Day, 2014 Dear Dad, This year is the very first year that I remember not avoiding your phone call. Every year of the past forty I have avoided what most consider a mundane task; and admit that I did this in several not-terribly-clever ways. All of which I was reasonably certain you could see right through, as you had the unfortunate hypervigilance of an individual with the brain wiring of a coyote. Always alert. Always defensive. Paranoid. Added to […]
MIRROR, MIRROR ON WALL, WHO’S THE MOST AWESOME ME OF ALL? Narcissism: nahr-suh-siz-em, -n 1. Inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity. Synonyms: self-centeredness, smugness, egocentrism. (dictionary.com) A dedication in the book Trapped In The Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self by Elan Golomb, Ph.D. (1992), goes as follows: “To my mother, whose last words before an unexpected death were, ‘I have to learn to assert myself.'” The dedication first gave me a […]
“Feel the fear, then do it anyway”. I love it. It sounds so darn simple, it might just work! I thought this for a good split second. And if it were to work, it would be the most perfect idea I’d ever come across when it comes to handling anxiety. Unfortunately, it’s way too simplistic for those of us who’s anticipatory fear is severe and debilitating. It’s almost like telling a coma patient to “just snap out of it and join us for […]
EVERYWHERE she looked…grey. The sky, an unusually beautiful deep robin’s egg blue…grey. The scarlet roses in the garden that usually gave her so much joy and affirmation…grey. The pink-cheeked family that shared a fondness for laughter and loved her silliness…grey. The home that wrapped her in a yellow glow of warmth felt cold and grey. Her job with people who relied on her fiery red passion and the calming green hued wisdom…all grey. There was no escaping this dull hum of […]
She works alone in the dark, behind dumpsters full from the waste leftover from those who she spit out after she’d won another match. It’s always in the darkest of night when she caws rather barbarically, throwing caution to the Gods, who she professes to entrust her life to. She’s a hypocrite. She has no conscience. You are nothing but a gateway to what she really wants. She fed you, stroked your ego til you began feeling amazing and […]
Flat. As far as the eye could see. Brown with slight deviations of tan. The sand was lying face down along an area that appeared to transcend time. She stood tall against the background of stillness in the middle of nowhere. For as far as the eye could see it was all flat. Nothing more. She heard herself whisper this fact out loud to no one. There was no one anywhere that she could see or hear. She […]
♣Yes, you heard me right. My father, now reduced to “cremains” (Blog #1 in my “Ashes” series), just showed up right out of the blue. It wasn’t odd only due to the fact that I’d never seen him in spandex or even on a bike, for that matter, but that I was humming along to a song about miracles. He died February 26, 2014. I have been waiting rather impatiently since February 27th to hear […]
They Don't Have a Greeting Card for This 