I am dedicating this…well…whatever it is, to

 my precious niece and her betrothed on the year anniversary of their impending nuptials:

“I love you without knowing how or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride; I love you in this way because I don’t know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets

Sweet, sweet nothings whispered…tingling sensations abound as skin gently grazes past skin…the scent, brilliantly seductive and sensual…you smell so nice!…You are so beautiful…I missed you SOoooo MUCH!…I’m walking on air…can you feel that too?…The very thought of us. is. magical.   I can’t wait to marry you, Sir!   Well, Madam, I too, cannot wait!   Oh…you make me blush…do that again! More please…I’m giddy…you are my soul mate…my best friend…my light…let’s dress up and play and be light and young and full of hope!

You. Complete. Me.

Can I tell you how utterly breathtaking love is? Obviously you two already know it.  You can feel it from the nonsensical verbiage that form involuntarily in your frontal lobes only to sneak out as cute-isms such as, sweetiekins, punkin, love nuggets, squishy face, darling, dear, beloved, poopsie, honeybear, BHM (big hairy man), hunkydoodles, sweet cheeks, lovey, angel, prechie-presh, snugglebug …to name but a few.

People you engage can see the cute and clever banter exchanged between the two of you. In fact, an outsider, AKA anyone else, might feel as if he is intruding into your own personal bubble, the one you both share together.  Synchronicity has taken over where awkwardness once lived (however briefly).  You have conquered many a beast especially in those more youthful days of courtship where it could have been make or break: …previous relationships…personality differences…nasty habits…style preferences…all in the name of coupledom.  The art of complementing prevails!  The joy of  accommodating presides!  Compromise, a valuable tool indeed, is your friend!  And for heaven’s sakes please pass the validation!

So…all that in mind, I’d like to take this opportunity to introduce you to a highlight reel of your life…fast forward to year twenty-two:

(disclaimer: This is sensitive material, I am not now, nor was I ever, intending to upend a courtship I helped to form. Sometimes graphic information maybe spewed forth. I might even sound a bit hostile at times. Please read responsibly. Stop reading now if you have a.) a weak stomach, b.) a bad marriage or current relationship that needs considerable work, c.) indigestion, neuralgia, a weak immune system, d.) good taste, or e.) unresolved commitment issues.)

1. Words such as “fluff” and “burp”, along with embarrassment and a slight blush to the cheeks have now become “Fart” and “belch”, “released a stinker”, or before you know it they become a source of pride or accomplishment, such as “I think I just shit my pants” or better yet, “Do you smell that? That was a GOOOOD one! I bet I left skidmarks on that one!” Even little ladies will end up suggesting at some point, “I think you better check your pants, mister! You stink!” or  “Dutch oven? What are you doing?? Stop pulling the covers up over my head! OMG! Get out of this bed! You are a pig!”

—fortunately for you both, The Better Marriage Blanket, which promises that it “banishes bedroom flatulence” has been invented!  And not a moment too soon!  This novelty retails for between $29.99 and $59.99 (Twin-King). It is available in white and beige shades and is a comforter constructed from the same military grade fabric used to protect against chemical weapons (a two-fer!).  Now your “silent but deadlies” will at long last remain not only silent but dread-free!

2. We laugh when we watch a sitcom in which “headaches” are enlisted as a means to distance oneself from the drudgery of sex on an hourly, daily, weekly, or even monthly basis at times.  Keep in mind, we’re talking 22 years in your future, folks.  NOT NOW.  Headaches, though cliché and totally misleading, give way to these often used goodies:

Leave me alone. I don’t want to be touched…please stop.  Don’t even bother I’m having my period.   Do you have to wake me up with that?   I still have my period, gawd.   It’s soooo late. Give me a rain check, will ya?   You smell. Stop.   Did you brush your teeth? You smell like cigars.   Honey, I have to work early in the morning.   That’s nice, but no.  Ok, but only if you massage my feet first.   Ok, a quickie.   You have thirty seconds.   Ok, but do you mind if I keep reading my book?   Hold on, Mom is calling.   Did you hear that? I think one of the kids is up–get dressed dammit!

3. Remember how funny each other is.  Place humorous moments in your memory bank; better yet, write them down, as in twenty-two years that same instance will sound quite different.  “I love his laugh” turns into “Oh my Gosh! You sound like a hyena in heat!   It’s so embarrassing! Did you just SNORT?!”  She will spout off one of her brilliant one-liners that you and all your friends always adored…”she’s refreshing!” you all  used to say.  Well honey, times have changed. Now that wit is welcomed with “Do you have to be so damn sarcastic all the friggin time?”

4. Couples are just adorable, aren’t they?  Young married or engaged couplings are the best though. It is amazing to me how two completely different individuals from totally different places and backgrounds can come together as “one”. How precious is it that the two of you can finish each others sentences? For Example:

(Innocent Bystander) Hey guys, how was that trip to the Virgin islands?

(guy) Oh man, it—

(gal) was amazing! We went swimming with dolphins and

(guy) drank sangria with (gal) natives living around the resort, which was so beautiful and picturesque!  I took a million pictures of the botanical gardens.

(guy nods).

That my friends, is an example of synchronicity.  A medley of team sportsmanship.

In just twenty-two short years the fellow will glare directly through his beautiful bride.  He could bore holes with that look. He will start to correct her in public in response to the fact that she consistently, and without fail,  takes over his question. That same vignette twenty-two years later will sound something like this:

“Hey guys, how was that trip to the Virgin Islands?  (guy) “Oh man, it –“

(gal) “was amazing!”

(guy glare at gal…long look…girl gets message, hey it’s been twenty two years, she knows…she retreats with sheepish grin that says she gets it)

“oops, sorry honey.”

Guy continues: “We went to an all inclusive resort and boy did–“

(gal) “We see dolphins and–”

(guy) “They weren’t dolphins, dammit, I tell you this every time.  They were porpoises!  There’s a difference you know! And when they have those tuna commercials you’re all, (male falsetto sounding nothing like gal, but he’s built this resentment up so now it is a bit dramatic) ‘Those poor baby porpoises!’ he mimics, ‘they get hurt when fisherman fish for tuna!’  That is not the problem at all!  The problem is that spotted dolphins often travel with schools of yellow-fin tuna, which can be dangerous to the dolphin, the dolphin, say it with me, the. dolphin!”

My advice: Move on. Work on allowing each other to speak.  You’ve probably got better fish to fry (pun intended).  while it was once okay, even sweet to be considered “one” now it must be described as two individuals sharing one heart, one ultimate goal, one life…blahblahblah….

5. Be ever so careful of two beauties I like to call the masters of disasters. Their names are always and never. Generalizations are now your norm:

ALWAYS — 

As in:  You always ______________(fill in the blank)___________, (you bastard/bitch! — optional)

 leave the toilet seat up

fart

chew too loudly

talk too much

interrupt me

whine

complain

drive too fast

leave your dump in the toilet

criticize me

NEVER —

As in:  You never _______________fill in the blank______________, (you bitch/bastard! — optional)

want to have sex!

cook dinner

clean your mess

eat what I make you

go out dancing

visit my family

buy me flowers

take me out to dinner

massage my feet

pick up your socks 

say you love me

 

Now it is important to remember, friends, these are gross generalizations.  They don’t have to be you and your spouse or betrothed. Perhaps you two might even forgo expectations of doom and make it all work without any drama whatsoever.  Good luck with that.  The divorce rate remains pretty steady, however, so does the marriage rate.  Meaning, people just keep taking that risk and for better or for worse, it is a fairly calculated one with big rewards if you are able to go with the flow…ride with the tide…live and let live…keep your pants zipped, legs crossed and your vows sacred.  Like any beautiful thing, it needs to be taken care of, nurtured, shaken up at times and left to just “be” at others.  Surround yourselves with good people.  Love each other 500%.  No fears, no regrets, pure unadulterated love.  Honesty, faithfulness, respect, love, strength for the one who is isn’t feeling so strong that day, compassion, !communication!,  patience, HUMOR, lots of ice cream, chocolate and whiskey over ice.

But all you really need is a good dose of agape. Hold the rocks.

Cheers, my loves!