A Merry Christmas Card Tribute: The Perfect(ly awful) Family Update

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human experience / Humor

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Happy holidays and Happy Hanukah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa and so forth and so on to my dear, dear friends and relatives!

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It has been years since we have communicated, let alone exchanged a Christmas greeting to anyone. With that in mind, our family decided it would be thoughtful, and frankly the least we could do, to give back to you all a “teeny” morsel of the joy we have received from your cards over the years! So here is our update on how well we are faring during this holiday as well as during the past five years in general!

I’ll start with new family members! As some of you know, we purchased a beautiful puppy four years ago! He was brought into our family to give our geriatric mutt some company and hopefully add some fire to the geezer’s butt to quit lying around and go catch a damn ball or something.

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We named him Moose, and he has brightened many a day around our home. To date, however, he hasn’t stopped growing and there is a fear he may attempt to take over the world one destroyed stiletto after another! There isn’t a carpet he hasn’t ripped up (or peed on) or a stuffed animal he hasn’t pulled the eyes out of, but as you can see, he is a darling animal.

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Sadly, we had to say goodbye to our other boy, Lucky, who was diagnosed with some horrible blood disease, either that or Moose ate him too.

Six months after Lucky was cremated I asked my lonely (miserable actually) sister to please get Lucky at the hospital for me. I was too overcome to do it myself. She appeared surprised, but supportive nonetheless. And the good news is that I’ve got him back home safe and sound in a wooden box  (at least we think that’s him!). My sister, on the other hand, is having fun proudly pronouncing “I got Lucky!” whenever someone asks her what she’s been up to. That’s a win-win if I ever heard one!

Lucky "before"

Lucky “before”

RIP old friend! But enough of that , let’s think of “merry” news!

My eldest child has competed his six month stay in detox! We are so jealous too, as a judge sentenced him after the multiple car accidents to a beautiful rehabilitation center in, can you guess? Sunny Miami! Yes, in Florida! So not only did Boyce come home clean and sober, but TAN! Can’t wait for him to wake up Christmas morning to his new car! SHHH, don’t tell!

Our “middlest” child, Eugenia, is thriving in her new high school studies now that the baby is born. Did you catch that bit of news friends? I’m a GRANDMA!!!! Won’t I just spoil that little angel to pieces too! After all the paternity tests have been doled out we’ll, of course, need to sue for child support, but that’s for another day! Until then Eug knows what she’ll be getting for Christmas and birthdays…diapers!

Our youngest son is the creative one. He’ll be in heels gracing a stage in no time at all! I’m kidding about that, he’s way too young, but Maurice is the one who actually looks better in Eugenia’s dresses then she does! Oh those boys these days! He’s still enjoying his tap and jazz lessons and playing the violin – the delight of all our parties, we don’t leave home without him!

And of course Lyle and I are doing fairly well. Between his losing his job and the legal fees we’ve paid to get Boyce out of the clinker, it’s been a bit of a struggle. We’re just trying to scrape enough together right now to pay off Lyles hemorrhoid surgery. It sure is nice to be able to see him sitting down again though!

So friends, while you’re living your perfect little Christmas card lives, just know that other’s of us are out there in the real world finding joy in soothing and effective anal repair creams. It’s all relative!

Sincerely,

The Hubdinker Family

Lyle, Demigloce, Boyce, Eugenia, li’l bitty Bernice, Maurice, and Moose

Eugenia's tattoo! Isn't it marvelous?!

Eugenia’s tattoo! Isn’t it marvelous?!

Good thing I did't quit my day job!

Good thing I didn’t quit my day job!

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The Author

I am a licensed clinical social worker who just happens to adore the written word. I have had a private practice and am now writing a memoir on my life in the company of my father and many of my clients who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I hope to dispel some myths and break down some barriers for those with mental illness. I write out of need and complete joy, which I hope to convey throughout my blogs. The human experience is not exclusive to one group. I hope to appeal to most as I touch on some pretty heady material with some self-deprecating humor and raw emotion thrown in for good measure. I have four amazing children, one HUGE dog and a tolerant husband. I am blessed.

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