To Question the Sky

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human experience / mental health

Too hard, she whispered, this life.

It had borne down with such force as to suffocate the hope, eradicate the joy,  extinguish the scope

of what she believed she could handle.

Where are you God? she whimpered, her vision fueled by sorrow…(more a cry for help than a questioning of His divine marrow. But would she even make herself follow?)

Let me help you stand. She heard it softly, yet stronger than a whisper… she questioned His demand, began to answer but words came out as a whimper.

Maybe it came from her own mouth. Always, she doubted, she questioned her brain stirs. The ones that convinced her she was sane, even when she wasn’t so sure

anymore.

Why would you question me? He said softly, What have I done to disprove my love? You were silent, I feared you had gone, she responded looking up above. I thought you were angry when I went out on my own path; seems I went the wrong way and ended up feeling your wrath.

That wasn’t mine, He stated clearly. I have been patiently waiting.

I’ve forever loved you dearly, I would never expect you to repay me.

There is nothing you could do in this life to make me go away.

I am present. I am here. That is where I commit to stay.  

With a look that again questioned her own thoughts, she said out loud, yet to herself, You mean you love me anyway, even with all my doubt? 

 I am unworthy, I am so wrong, I live for myself only, I am not strong. I want to appreciate you. I want to love my life, but I often can’t think straight, my feelings just take flight. I seek out who to blame for the sadness that I feel. For the injustice and the madness and the envy and the zeal. I forever wonder if I’m even normal, or if I’m grounded here on earth

just to die a miserable death due to this illness, or for no other reason than that I am lost, or maybe just cursed.

Let go of your troubles and allow me to take control. Let me hold you up by believing I’m here and I’m whole. I won’t let you fall, you don’t have to fear. Faith is what it means to close your eyes yet feel I’m near.

Your humanity was my greatest creation. I made you different  from others. You are each your own masterpiece with gifts to give your brothers. 

I want  you to stand up. Use your courage to speak to a nation – let all people know that being kind is their obligation. Tell them that life on earth is often hard, but worth the pain; it grows them in such positive ways that they can never be the same.

They will be better than most, having felt so lost. When they seek my help it is all worth the cost.

There are those who have received other gifts in this life here on earth. They’ve been blessed with patience or beauty or mirth. Unfortunately, and quite sadly for them, they are unkind toward themselves.  They use drugs to escape or people to condemn.

You have a special gift, combined with others you have accrued, to make a difference to so many others and most especially to your own brood.  It begins with you and ends there too.

Wear your scars proudly, they mean you have lived. Learn from them daily. That’s the legacy you give.     

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The Author

I am a licensed clinical social worker who just happens to adore the written word. I have had a private practice and am now writing a memoir on my life in the company of my father and many of my clients who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I hope to dispel some myths and break down some barriers for those with mental illness. I write out of need and complete joy, which I hope to convey throughout my blogs. The human experience is not exclusive to one group. I hope to appeal to most as I touch on some pretty heady material with some self-deprecating humor and raw emotion thrown in for good measure. I have four amazing children, one HUGE dog and a tolerant husband. I am blessed.

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