She asked. The answer was “No.”

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emotional health / human experience / relationships / Uncategorized

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Of  the Seven Deadly Sins she felt she had a starring role in at least five. The first of the seven, ironically enough, she knew all too well.  Lust. It was never about love, it was about desire to her. She’d tried on the love hat too many times. It was always satisfying initially, then grew old and difficult to maintain. It was generally much more work than she was prepared to invest in another human being. Either that or her man was just not doing it for her emotionally, sexually or otherwise.  The day she woke up without desire was the day she made her way out the door permanently. To her it was more about conquering that which sat in wait to be taken. The consequence would be that she would lose the love she had already nurtured, however, she rationalized, what of that was even “love”?

Perhaps it was not the glue she once thought it would be. Maybe Love was only as ambiguous as a cloud or as concrete as a greeting card on Valentines day.  Neither said love to her. Neither was a promise to be together forever. And then she wondered how come couples who were together and professed to be in this love were so much more capable of  treating each other so badly? Partners weren’t even granted friendship passes.  People treated tellers at the bank with more respect than the person who had birthed their seven infants. Was that love? She resigned herself to the notion that lust was far more satisfying to her than love. At least lust carried a sort of passion with it. There was a conquest to be gained, a passion to fill, a vibrancy that she felt very much trumped the idle life of the ordinary couple that were convinced they had this “love” thing down. No, she wanted hot-messy-crazy-laughing-joyous-togetherness where satisfaction was mutual and temporary…

she’d convinced herself that temporary was all relationships could be, or else how to continue and keep the amazing was beyond way too many experts heads.

Gluttony presided over her life in full. There was never enough. She could not be satisfied by adequate amounts of food or drink. The cravings propelled her and immobilized her into overwhelming states of panic. She loved that which she detested with a passion so strong that consequences had no place in that mindset.  Only the greatest amount or nothing at all. Ahhhhhh….maybe that was love.

Greed, her umbrella sin. As with gluttony, there could never be enough…money, sensual touch, taste, smell, things, love, lust, life…she wanted and believed she NEEDED it all. There simply was no satiation to be had. She couldn’t help but wonder when or if this would abate or if the urges will kill her first. Of this she did not fear. She would very simply wrap herself up in all that she could hold on to. It would never be enough. He would never be enough. She would never be enough. There didn’t exist enough.

Laziness and wrath were not within her desires on a conscious level as with the previous sins. In her mind, there was no energy left in her body to bother with laziness.  Since she loved and wanted it all, wrath had no place in her life either. Unless some fool attempted to take from her that which she believed belonged to her. As far as she was concerned it was all hers to have her way with.

Envy was a powerful tool. She used it to get her needs met while believing that she had all that there was to be envious of. If she didn’t have it she would go after it. Nothing was safe from her clutches as she wheedled her way into other’s worlds to create and find that which she had to have. Envy had no place in her mind, although she knew how to recognize it in others who she believed wanted all that she had acquired.

Pride. The backbone of her skeletal system. She was confident and proud. A lioness who’s pretense was startling to people. No one questioned the queen, after all. No one dared not give in to this leader of all that she believed she owned…power, money, men, things, strength…  Her fortune was immense. Her power was directly related to her fortune. she carried herself as if she was a GOD. Yet, she knew she was not God. She could never be God. That was where she knew to draw the line.

As with all that she had previously acquired, she still wanted more. She needed more. She even had the gall to stand up high and mightily while gazing up into the beautiful heavenly sky, so full of stars dancing amidst a moon so full that the night sky had lit every corner in her vision.  She realized she hadn’t acquired it all just yet. She desired something more. Her world on this earth was too ground in emotion. The responsibility was much too cumbersome. People actually cared about one another.  She would never be accepted or accepting.

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When all seemed pointless and extreme to her she gave herself the luxury of time. With time and only the clothes on her back she realized that all she truly desired was to be taken care of.  In lieu of that, for surely she could never be expected to reciprocate such a lowly human emotion, she wanted the sun and the moon. She was willing to trade her life for a piece of eternity and begged that she may finally find her peace within the stars.

She relinquished ideals which she knew had never been hers to have had as she had forsaken them for things and experiences that had been contrived in a lifetime of manipulations and greed.  Things like family, relationships, true love, happily-ever-after, dreams, promises, joy, laughter, artistic expression, passion, ecstasy and music had all but been forgotten or lost in her drive to attain without any regard for others.

Give me the sure thing, God. Please. I am too tired and impatient to take from others anymore. The world hasn’t enough to satiate me anyway. I have committed every sin you could come up with. I now must go home among the stars. There is nothing left for me to take here.

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And God, pleased to see one of his precious children woken up from her drunken, gluttonous life, smiled. In truth, it had been hard for him to watch this child of his who so wantonly used her one life on earth to self-destruct.

She too smiled, in relief. God was at last listening to her needs! She must be special, she was receiving one-on-one attention! Now surely He would take care of her and she would be able to relax and be one with the galaxy. No more of this earthen temptation and madness caused by frivolous emotion, cares and responsibilities!

No. He said simply without remark.

Never having heard that term before she asked again. This time there was a hint of impatience to her tone.

No. God said. I am the only sure thing. You foolishly draped yourself in destruction. You now ask for more. Do you think that would ever be enough?

She was caught off guard with this declaration. It was frustrating. She felt anger reach from her ears to the pit of her stomach.

But I am done, Lord. I am done with the material world. You love me and I am your child. Please do as I want. 

NO, he said.

With that she shrugged and as if a little girl again. Tears welled in her eyes.  Unsure what to make of the absolute clarity in God’s response, she quietly sat down, and while hugging her knees tightly to her chest, she wept. Looking up slowly amid tear-stained cheeks she tried one last manipulation…or perhaps she was sincere. Even she did not know for sure.

But I have no where to go…nothing to give…it’s all…stuff. I don’t know how to love or be loved. It’s…all so…complicated. I have not one gift to bring to the table. I have used up and destroyed all of my possessions. I choose only to go be with you in the skies overhead. No one will care for me. Only you.

Yes, God said. Life is complicated. If it weren’t you wouldn’t be able to recognize that which you already are IS the gift. I will never give you more than you can handle. I will be by your side always. Go, bring yourself to relationships.

You. Are. Enough.

Stop looking. You’re already there.

You. Are. The. Gift.

 

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The Author

I am a licensed clinical social worker who just happens to adore the written word. I have had a private practice and am now writing a memoir on my life in the company of my father and many of my clients who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I hope to dispel some myths and break down some barriers for those with mental illness. I write out of need and complete joy, which I hope to convey throughout my blogs. The human experience is not exclusive to one group. I hope to appeal to most as I touch on some pretty heady material with some self-deprecating humor and raw emotion thrown in for good measure. I have four amazing children, one HUGE dog and a tolerant husband. I am blessed.

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