Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to our Ten Commandments. I seek better options to improve the ways we understand them.  Here is my sorry pitiful attempt at making sense of words written in the 13th century B.C.

For those of us like myself who really don’t care to follow directions, authority figures, signs, stars, the yellow brick road….what have you, I have taken it on myself to reword the Ten Commandments to sound as if perhaps we weren’t being controlled, but rather have chosen to agree to abide by certain strong “suggestions”.  Join me, will you? As I put my stamp on unveiling the next generation of what I like to call The Ten Strong Suggestions: You Decide Based On Your Desire to Get into Heaven (or just be able to live with yourself).

1. “Thou shall have no other Gods before me” becomes, “You really need to choose one God. I prefer that it be me since a.) I am the only legit one, and b.) I *cough cough* “sign your checks”.

2. “Thou shall not make idols” becomes, “Really? You are attempting to find another to replace me? Did I not send my own son down in this paradise you turned into a crap hole for nothing? Good grief, and I thought I made you all with brains in your heads on the 6th day, perhaps I rushed it and should’ve also worked on the 7th…you have a couple of choices, heaven with me or hellfire with some whiddled wooden piece of art. Not a God. Art. I’m waiting…”

3. “Thou shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain” will be something akin to  “Keep your ‘shit’, ‘dammit’, ‘hell’ and ‘the f’-bomb’ to a minimum.  It just makes you look ignorant; however, I understand how one can actually feel better somehow exclaiming a loud “SHIT!” after stubbing a toe or bumping into another person’s car in the parking lot. I do, however, hope that you will respect the fact that using my name (patent pending or not) is really not ok with me. Use it if you must, but just be aware that I’m probably upstairs using your damn name every time one of Noah’s dogs craps in my garden!”

4. “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.”  That means to do all of your menial labor-type business on days 1-6.  “Please explain to me how come you can’t take a day, one friggin’ day to spend an hour, a measly sixty minutes, of your time away from your cell phones, computers, dishwashers, laundry, what-have-you, to kneel; hell I’d be happy if you stood, or even sat comfortably, in meditative prayer. Or, how about this? Take a walk, enjoy the beauty you’ve been given, while listening to Christian rock! Take the damn gifts and appreciate them!  That’s all I ask, you morons!”

5. “Honor your father and your mother” would of course be worded more specifically as our kids just don’t seem to get this and we, the  parents aren’t as good at teaching it as our parents were.  It might sound like this (I can tweak it if it isn’t strong enough), “Get your butts off the couch and help with a.) dishes, toilets, sweeping and mopping floors, trash, keeping your room clean, picking up your clothes scattered all over the house, helping whenever you’re fucking asked the first damn time, and for heaven’s sake please get all your hair out of the sink and shower drains! Oh! and would it kill you to say a fairly pleasant ‘hello’ to your parent who took it on herself to wake your sorry ass in the morning? I mean really…”

6. “Thou shall not murder.” I believe this would just be understood, but okay.  How about this? “If you decide it’s a good idea to take another person’s life then you will be directly sent to hell, no last words, no last suppers, no anything pleasant. If you happen to live through the event I (as God) will make your life a living hell. What you don’t know is that I. will. know.
And if I know, then soon you will know that I know and you will make amends, of which I may or may not consider. I will let you know.

7. “Thou shall not commit adultery.” As clear as that is, I might strongly suggest that men and women make better choices. God would hope that I would say that he would say, “Don’t cheat on your spouse. That’s dishonest and cruel.”  I would add that it might be more advantageous to get a marital counselor. If this weren’t acceptable then I would suggest that it might be prudent to get a separation agreement first and foremost, and live separately.  At that point if you feel the need to enjoy the fruits of another’s loins then it might be okay if you are two consenting adults free from the confines of a wedding band. I’m not certain God would appreciate that much. He’d rather you just hang in there.  “Did Joseph always appreciate Mary’s actions?” God might  say, “why, she had God’s child for pete’s sake!  Try explaining that to your spouse!”

8. “Thou shall not steal” would be “Restrain yourself! Get a freaking job and earn some money, go shopping and get the crap your damn self! Who do you think you are? God?!”

9. “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor”. Ok, hold on. I have to look this one up. after consulting with Wikipedia for  clarification I’m suggesting that this one read, “Be honest always. Don’t make shit up. Keep to your word and don’t gossip or spread rumors. Be honorable.” Try telling this to my daughter’s junior high class of girls or the mom’s in parking lots at the grocery stores or Bunko! I’m game now though! I have God Backup! 

By the way, this was “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife”, when I was but a lass. Just sayin….

10. “Thou shall not covet”. First off, when was the last time you used the word “covet”? An update is sorely needed here. Because #9 was altered, so was 10, which now covers all of the “coveting” sins. Well, I take issue with this whole coveting thing. I look at lots of other people’s husbands and things (more often their stuff, actually), and appreciate them. I dare say, I sometimes even want them. Maybe not to have and to hold necessarily, but golly, God did make us human after all! I for one, would love to get my hands dirty in my friend’s beautiful kitchen! Stainless steel everything!  The hardware is to die for! To run my hand over the new countertop would be a thrill in itself! Perhaps control freaks like myself could put it like this, “Look, maybe even touch, but be respectful of others’ and their objects”. How can we even put people in that arena, they aren’t objects to be bought and sold…? Just keep your grubby paws off my man!

Ladies…am I right?!