Thanksgiving Day, 2014 Dear Dad, This year is the very first year that I remember not avoiding your phone call. Every year of the past forty I have avoided what most consider a mundane task; and admit that I did this in several not-terribly-clever ways. All of which I was reasonably certain you could see right through, as you had the unfortunate hypervigilance of an individual with the brain wiring of a coyote. Always alert. Always defensive. Paranoid. Added to […]
MIRROR, MIRROR ON WALL, WHO’S THE MOST AWESOME ME OF ALL? Narcissism: nahr-suh-siz-em, -n 1. Inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity. Synonyms: self-centeredness, smugness, egocentrism. (dictionary.com) A dedication in the book Trapped In The Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self by Elan Golomb, Ph.D. (1992), goes as follows: “To my mother, whose last words before an unexpected death were, ‘I have to learn to assert myself.'” The dedication first gave me a […]
To wake up and immediately go for the salt and vinegar kettle cooked chips on the corian countertop in the kitchen was naturally a bad idea. The message I received from that small gesture of self-destruction was clear however. I was overwhelmed. It would become that kind of day. A day full of fat-fueled bad ideas. A self-pitying, guilt-induced angry “bite me.”- “what are you looking at?!” kind of day. But it wasn’t supposed to […]
“Once upon a time there was a beautiful, smart woman and her handsome, intelligent husband who’d had a sweet little princess, who we’ll call “Joy”(because I want to and it’s my damn story). Life was good. Joy was happy initially, however as she neared her 2nd birthday she seemed bored with her doting mother and indifferent to her father who worked long hours at his job. The mother suggested that they have another baby. After […]
“Fill up your head. Fill up your heart And take your shot. Don’t waste time trying to be Someone you’re not.” ~Dave Matthews If there is anyone or anything that says real to me, it is the Dave Matthews Band. This man can make something profound out of even the most simple of lyrics. He could make “Go to hell” sound like a great idea. Maybe I’m premenstrual, but these people envelop humanity to me. […]
♣Yes, you heard me right. My father, now reduced to “cremains” (Blog #1 in my “Ashes” series), just showed up right out of the blue. It wasn’t odd only due to the fact that I’d never seen him in spandex or even on a bike, for that matter, but that I was humming along to a song about miracles. He died February 26, 2014. I have been waiting rather impatiently since February 27th to hear […]
TW for child abuse/sexual assault I remember talking to myself a great deal while growing up amidst chaos. Through memory and journals I was able to piece some of this together, mostly for self validation, but also to give people a look into the active, alert mind of quiet victims. Three year old me: Stop. But I need to get my medicine. Do not go that way. That’s where the angry voices are. Turn around and […]
How in the bloody hell do you do it? Do what? Get through days where all you hear about are the media enhanced war stories, suicides, child abuse and neglect atrocities, gun violence on our neighborhood streets, ISIS, Syria beheadings, earthquakes, fires, melting ice caps, Ebola, political deadlock, the 99%… Oh. That. Well, I just have to look at my children. I look into my young son’s deep brown eyes that […]
Her tattoo read “just be held” in black lowercase typewriter-key font. It was perhaps one of the most impulsive decisions she’d made for the time commitment it required of her body. She treated herself to those particular three words on a warm day in July when she felt like she was coming completely undone. Casting Crowns new release,Thrive, had premiered on Pandora. In a moment of utter despair their song, “Just Be Held” spoke to her. It cut […]
She looked up at me, tears streaming down both sides of her face. All I could see were her beautifully lilac-tinted eyes full of water. It must be the way her tears had accentuated the blueness that she’d been born with, I thought sensibly I don’t remember them being quite that distinctive a shade. I’m just buying time. I’m being observant while I think of how to respond to my overwhelmed woman-girl. Her long wavy hair – both […]
They Don't Have a Greeting Card for This 